I hope she lives

Today was the day I finally opened the letter I had written to myself ten years ago……

I found it accidentally beneath all of the papers and sheets that held the memories of who I was. Was I happy , that I found it? The letter? Not really , I think it has more to do with the fact that it reminds me the girl that I was. 

The amazing , shining ,briliant girl who has this curiosity about the world beyond the walls of her school. The girl who was ambitious about her dream and will do no matter what it takes to fulfill it , makes sure that whatever she wants gets done.

The girl that deeply and hopelessly believes in love and sees the best in people and has the most forgiving heart. Tries her best so that she can make everyone around her happy and seen.

The girl who wants to be seen and appreciated …… the girl who believed.

Looking at the envelope gave me a sense of nostalgia for my self. It’s actually crazy that a single envelope makes me feel and remember all these things. 

I stop organizing my journals to pick up the envelope from where it fell. I felt the weight of it when I did it felt heavy with all the expectations it held. 

I don’t even remember what I wrote in it just that I did  and I wanted to write it because I wanted to know what my life would be like in the future, 

I remember the thirst for life and future I had because I needed it back then , I needed it to save myself from making the biggest mistake of my life. Removing my self, I was a teenager fed up from everything single thing that went wrong back then. What a turn of events huh? I know.

I start to take the paper out of the envelope that I put it in. Can’t lie i appreciate the way I was artistic back then I guess adulting dulled my creativity I don’t do nothing like it now. I colored the whole envelope blue and written 

‘ warning ‼️ do not open until the said time , which is 10 years‼️ I REPEAT 10 YEARS ….. Resist your TEMPTATION TO OPEN ‼️‼️‼️’

It says I laugh a little and open the paper to finally read the paper i recognize my familiar handwriting on it and smile to myself.

“ Dear Ann…. You’re not my favorite person right now so am not gonna use some endearing words that mean nothing to me…” 

I frown at the words that welcomed me to my past. 

“ by the time you read this I really and desperately hope that you have made peace with your self..

And finally not hate you because you only have you…” 

It hits me if only I understood those last words like I did now. I realize now that it’s never too late to think and stand up for my self.

“ well now you are 27 and hoping by now your frontal lobe is developed..”

Was that a snide comment? I narrow my eyes at my 17 year old self.

“ …. And you will probably judge me and say this is the stupidest idea i or you have ever gotten but yeah I just thought to write this to let you know how I am and how I want to meet you so bad, I want to know what kind of person you become…..” 

instead of judging I am really thanking her for writing this.

“….. so what’s up with your life?  Are you rich? Poor? Brilliant ? Still not in love for the fear of someone not loving you back? Still doubt your abilities that you can do anything? Still not like your self ? You still wish you lived a different life? 

I desperately wish that you give me the answers that I want …….. I really do wish for your answers to be the way I want them to be . Just better than you are now ….. “ 

I didn’t realize that I was crying until I felt my shirt was getting soaked with tears I took a tissue from the box to wipe the tears and snot off my face.

And I want to desperately tell her that my life has never been better now , and as I always wanted I can provide well for me and my family , well as for that someone all I had to do was just take the risk and love  now I don’t have that fear I just believe in giving love and believe.

Time to time I have this voice in my mind that tells me that I can do something I do it anyways if it works it works and if it doesn’t? ….. well I tried ….

“ …… so Ann it’s enough for me to see you in a better place in the future , I just don’t want you to feel that I let you down because I know you hate it cause I know I do and it may not be much … I mean this letter but I just wanted to know how you’re doing … in case it becomes a light for me from this darkness am going through. Maybe the hope of your better future makes living now a bit doable…. It’s short and not very meaningful and creative  like how others write it ( here I go again comparing myself… btw I hope you don’t have that when you’re 27 … I mean it) any who I wanted to say despite all the wrong things that could go wrong and bad ….. out of all people believe in you and you better not fail me . 

I will see you in 10 years.

Please live. “ 

I don’t know how many time have passed me just holding the paper and just staring at it after it was done. 

I just saw the girl who wanted to live deeply that she needed the living  of me today. I felt the desperation through the paper and it saddened me a lot. I didn’t have to be hard on her like that , she …. I was just figuring things out and I was so young I should’ve been forgiving and understanding. Not so mad and so vengeful about my self and definitely not a hater. It was just my first time living too. 

it was just another fact I over looked about myself. 

 But I hope she forgives me now I hope she forgives me because I lived and fulfilled every single thing she wanted and I hope she forgives me because I will live trying to make up for lost times , all those times I disregarded her for the expense of other people.  And I hope she forgives me because I now love her and me enough to live for the both of us.

 I put the tear and many emotion soaked  paper back into it’s pretty envelope made by me and set it on my new desk. 

Am glad I found the letter today on top of making me happy it made me realize that I actually came so far than the person I was all those years ago .even if it don’t seem like I made it to others I am at the place I want to be and I have received more than I ever asked for and I really hope I made that 17 year old girl happy too.

So am really glad that today was the day I finally opened the letter I had written to myself ten years ago……