For her, For me, Always!

Today was the day I finally opened the letter I had written to myself ten years ago. I’m seated at the park now after hours of walking. My legs are thanking me for finally letting them rest. The weather is beautiful today, I could feel the soft breeze carrying the scent of the freshly cut grass as I glanced at the envelope on my lap, already torn. I’ve always wanted to savor this moment, but let’s be honest, I’m an impatient girl. I’ve reread it, for a year straight after it was written as if it was a manual for life. I must’ve memorized every word by now, yet somehow, after 9 years, this was the first time I’d again stumbled upon the actual letter tucked in a box beneath old yearbooks. I can’t believe I’ve forgotten about this. 

This was a letter addressed to my future self, written by a 15 year old girl with dreams as wide as the sky. I couldn’t help but chuckle a little when I first held it and pulled out the letter. What sort of naive fantasies did 15 year old me think my 25 year old self would be conjuring? I was eager to find out. 

“Dear future me, 

If you’re reading this, you’re 25 now! Its been quite a while hasn’t it? I bet life is awesome now. Tell me, what’s it like being a real adult? Did you become a writer like you’ve always wanted? Or maybe you opened that little cozy cafe you dreamed about? The one where pets are allowed? Oh and of course you’ve traveled by now right? You always said you’d visit paris by 25, I hope you have a picture of yourself by the Eiffel Tower like we always imagined. 

And I hope…no, I know you’ve found love. The kind that makes you feel safe and warm, maybe you’re even married by now. I can already imagine you at a small wedding in the Bahamas, taking your now husband’s breath away. I bet you’re smiling just thinking about it. 

I know life hasn’t been a picnic lately, and you’re scared things won’t work out, but I believe in you. I’m very sure you’ve done all the things we dreamed of. I’m so proud of you future me. I really am. I can’t wait to hear all about it. Talk to you in ten years <3

With love,

Eleni from the past.”

I pause, tearing up. I didn’t think I’d feel the weight of what this letter carried. I hear a soft crinkle from the paper as I press it between my fingers. I open it again and read, the words making me smile this time. I can’t believe the teenage optimism and the grand dreams… it all feels innocent now. 

After I finish reading I pull out my ID and glance at the name printed neatly beneath my photograph. “Eleni Getnet” It still feels strange to see it, even after all these years. The effort to change my name legally was a long process, but I had promised. I just had to do it.

“It’s crazy how difficult it was to change my first name to yours.” I whisper to no one in particular, staring at the name. “I’ve promised to live this world for you, didn’t I? I kept my word” The ache in my chest tightened as I started crying, before i knew it, my face was wet with tears. I rise from the park bench and make my way towards the small clear road at the edge of the park, where a lone gravestone sits beneath the shade of a large tree. 

It reads“ In loving memory of Eleni Getnet” carved in clean Helvetica font letters, her favorite. I sit by the gravestone resting the bouquet of lilies beside me. “You seemed so happy” I murmur, as if afraid to break the silence. “Who knew this was a goodbye letter?”

I close my eyes, as a quiet breeze hums through my hair. I try to picture her, the real her, my twin sister who had written this letter with so much hope. It used to annoy me how much light she had in her eyes. She had been the brighter one, the one everyone had high hopes for. But no one saw the weight she was carrying, not even me. She had left me that day, 10 years ago, just a few weeks after writing this letter. It was a quiet exit, an overdose of pills she couldn’t even pronounce correctly. It was as if she had planned it all along, she looked so peaceful as if she found an escape she was searching for.  I remember her excitedly replying with “Nothing” when I asked her what she was writing that day. I wish I hadn’t rolled my eyes, I wish I asked how she was doing. 

“I didn’t get it back then”, I break the silence again, caressing the letters of her name, pretending it’s her cheeks. “But i do now, I understand why you wrote it, you wanted me to live your dreams for you didn’t you? That was why you hid the letter under my mattress. You wanted me to be the one who visited paris, to fall in love, to open that little cafe” I smile through the tears “I did it all you know, I did everything you asked. I’ve traveled, I met a huge publisher who is now editing my memoir…well suffice it to say ‘our’ memoir. And not only did I open the cafe, but I opened it in Paris, with a clear view of the Eiffel tower, you would’ve loved it. Business is booming. ”

“Oh, I even got married, he’s kind and loving. He- uh…” I start sobbing, my tears get the best of me, and I can’t get an audible word out. I continue talking regardless…“He makes me happy.”

“It wasn’t easy though you know?...living as you. Sometimes I felt like I was losing myself, like I wasn’t really me anymore. But then I’d remember that I’d promised you the world, even if the details of it were limited to an A4-sized fragile paper filled with your version of hopes and dreams.”

I place the bouquet at the base of the gravestone before I stand and say “Happy 25th Birthday sis! I hope wherever you are, you’re at peace. I’ll keep living this life for you.”